This Heart

So tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day, which is a great day for about half of all people and absolutely shitty for the other half. I try to ignore it as much as possible, which is relatively easy seeing as I’ve never actually been in a relationship during Valentine’s Day. Still, it’s hard to totally block out of your mind, you know? Especially when you want to be part of a couple so bad. Even though I know there’s a chance things might not work out or even that they might end in spectacularly bad fashion, I at least want the chance. The relationships I had came at a time when I was too young to appreciate them, and there’s at least one that I screwed up completely. I want to have that feeling again, only with the maturity I have now. I want to tell someone how my day has been and have them tell me how theirs was. I want that easy laughter about nothing that couples have, the sort of coded language. I want someone to cuddle up with at the end of the day. I want someone to explore Boston with. It’s like all this positive stuff going on in my life doesn’t feel good because I don’t have anyone to really share it with.

In therapy this week, Dr. Burke said that the reason I long for a relationship so badly is because I never had a sense of stability when I was younger. As much as I hate blaming anyone for anything that’s happened in my life-because I’m truly over it-I had to agree with him. What’s the saying? That which we’ve never had is what we seek the most? I just feel like it’s got to happen-and soon. I’m not getting any younger, and I’ve never been more ready in my life.

I’m Still Here

I haven’t much felt the urge to write lately. I’ve actually been out there DOING. Making friends, hanging out, that sort of thing. I’ve also been stricken with an Olympic-size case of writer’s block, so there’s that to contend with.

I joined match.com this past weekend. So far, I’m not impressed. The couple of guys that I’ve been attracted to haven’t gotten back in touch after I “winked” at them…at least not yet. We’ll see what the next few days bring.

My friend Lianna posted something on her Facebook challenging me to write about 5 things a day that make me smile. While I’m not going to do it *every day* (because, eventually, I would run out of things), here’s what’s brought me joy in the relatively recent past.

*My cat- Those of you who are parents, you know how when your kid’s fucked up, you’re so pissed off and then they say something or give you a look and you fall in love all over again? My cat can projectile vomit on a pair of my shoes and a half hour later she’ll be curled up on my lap.

*The Big Bang Theory/How I Met Your Mother-Perhaps the first time I’ve watched ANYTHING on CBS regularly. I didn’t get into King of Queens until syndication.

*Beer- I had a fun drunken night on Saturday with my buddy Mose and his/my friends Joey, Chris, Zak and Lauren (and Mose’s roommate Alex). Despite the fact that I’m 7 years older than the next oldest person in that group, we all get along pretty well. Either they’re really mature or I’m…well, you can follow the rest.

*The Jacksons remastered and reissued “Triumph” and “Destiny”- Only Michael can make me re-buy two albums I already own and have memorized every word to (and pay full price, too!)

*Trivia- Where I’ll be headed in about fifteen minutes, looking for my team’s second straight first-place finish.

Go team!

Something Ain’t Right

vh-1 classic is playing 2,009 videos in a row, in alphabetical order. Right now, they’re at “The Bird” by Morris Day & The Time, so I would guess that it’ll be over soon. I wish I had a VCR. I would have recorded most of it. Lord only knows how many videotapes that would have taken.

Over the past couple of days, I’ve been feeling…strange is the only word I can really think of to describe it. Not physically (actually, the delayed effects of my working out have me feeling better physically than I have in years), but my head is just really fogged, and I would have to imagine that it’s the antidepressants I’m taking. I feel like I’m unable to form a clear thought. The meds are supposed to “dull you out”, as my doctor says, and one thing I’ve definitely noticed is that they appear to sap your creative energy. I haven’t felt much like writing. Even the conversations I’ve had have been “yeah, whatever”. This matter-of-factness is very weird to me. I’m not used to not caring. I’m used to caring too much. I don’t know which is worse.

I emailed a friend of mine who successfully transitioned from the music industry to real estate. There’s probably a lot of money to be made in Boston in realty, considering how many colleges are here. If I can get my license, I might just go for that. My friend Pat also put the idea in my head to maybe get my bartender’s license. I’ve been going through the classified ads…well, skimming them anyway…and am finding it really difficult to find anything that suits me. I did find a freelance writing job, but it pays peanuts, and I have no clue how I’d even be able to write for them when I’m already working for five other sites, including my own.

Right now, my biggest worry is money. I’m sitting at about 30% of what I moved to Massachusetts with. If I stick around long enough for my yearly bonus and get my tax refund, that should replenish my coffers a bit, but…damn, it sucks being broke. Especially when I want to join the sports club down the street and I want to give match.com a spin. That’s like $120, at least. And I don’t have it to spend. You’d think after sixteen years in the work force full-time that I still wouldn’t be living check-to-check.

So blah. I guess that all explains why I feel the way I do, now if someone could just explain what this emotion actually is.

Goodbye ‘08

Another year come and gone…but I feel more of a sense of accomplishment tonight than I have on a New Year’s eve on a long time. Although I haven’t reached my own personal comfort level yet, I kind of smile when I think of where I was at this time last year-job I absolutely hated, stuck in New York, ill for some strange reason. The picture’s a lot clearer now. I know I have an illness, so I’m managing it. I’ve moved and am trying to get used to my new location, even if I don’t know how permanent a destination this is. I’ve met new friends even as I miss some of the old ones. I’ve reconnected with some people I never thought I’d reconnect with in a million years through Facebook. I started therapy. I started working out. I moved to a job I still don’t especially care for but I can tolerate a hell of a lot more than I could deal with hawking tee shirts.

Nevertheless, there’s work to be done. I would like to find a new job and leave RED once and for all-on MY terms. I’d like to date someone semi-successfully. While the whole Mike experience has been a huge buzzkill, I can’t allow pessimism to take over my life in that regard. Dr. Burke suggests that I try match.com, and almost guaranteed that I’d find a date if I used it. I don’t know, but I’m considering it. I want to get settled here, continue to expand my social circle, and continue learning and keep surrounding myself with positive people.

I’m confident that things will get better, even though I may not always come across that way. I know the day I lose faith is the day I lose it all. Sometimes, faith is all I have to go on.

Onward and upward, everyone. Happy New Year.

Wrapping It Up

Geezus, the year is almost over. Where did all the time go?

Had a nice trip back to New York on Thursday for our office holiday party. It was nice to see all of my co-workers again (the ones that are left, anyway), and it was also good to have a night of general debauchery with some familiar faces. I didn’t realize how much I miss working in an actual office with actual people. I mean, not to say there aren’t benefits to working at home but after a while the isolation beats out being able to work in your jammies, knowhutimean?

As you probably know (some more directly than others), the Northeast has been blanketed by a winter storm, so there’s like six or seven inches of snow on the ground here in Massachusetts. It’s fun to look at from indoors. It’s a bit of a bitch to walk in (of course today is the day I get ants in my pants and can’t stay inside). I just thank God that I live in an apartment and I don’t have to shovel.

Whoo hoo…holiday vacation is less than a week away. Even though I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing on Christmas day, I’m looking forward to it anyway.

Not Satisfied Yet

So I’ve been in Boston for seven months, and while I don’t think I regret the actual move, I’m not 100% sure these days if I want to stay here. In this amount of time, I’ve really only made two friends and have had all sorts of dating and hookup mishaps. I still feel like I’m running in place. I have the benefit of being single and only having to be responsible for myself, so I have the ability to pack up and do something else, and right now I feel like that might be the best decision. I must admit, the temptation exists to move back to New York, because I wouldn’t have to worry about a career change, and also because I have friends there-and I’ll have more once my buddies Matt and Mitch move down there in the summer. There’s also DC, where I’d have George and his family plus Carletta, Kristen and Dom nearby. I just feel like moving back home would be a lateral move, and even more than that, I don’t want to be the guy who tried to make a better life for himself and is coming home with his tail between his legs. So…a lot of uncertainty right now.

Good Leakage/Bad Leakage

On one hand, one of the pipes under my bathroom sink is leaking, so I have to go into the bathroom every couple of hours to empty the little container that I’m catching the water in (so my bathroom doesnt flood), but on the other hand, I actually bought a shower head that works. Yes, folks. The most exciting part of my day had to do with installing a shower head. I have the most exciting life, don’tcha think?

A Little Bit of Levity

Train operator (to a customer who was trying to fix an improperly closed door): “Let me do it. You get hurt, I get sued. I get hurt, I get paid”.

Word.

Fade Into the Background

Rejection hurts no matter what, but it’s the sort of passive/aggressive rejection that pisses me off the most.

For the past month or so, I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of being rejected by the first person I’d really felt a romantic connection with in a while. Perhaps I came on a little too strong-I tend to do that with friends and potential mates, and I guess the older I get, the worse it gets because I’m so fucking scared of ending up lonely. But he was just as open with his issues (ex-heroin addict, in love with his best friend), and I thought we were on the same playing field as far as all that went. Ultimately, we had a phone conversation one night where he said that he was incapable of being someone that I could lean on and that he just wanted to hang out and have an easy, breezy kind of friendship. We hung up the phone still friends, I thought. He said that he was going to call after a couple of days after he kind of got his head together. That call never came, and aside from one email exchange and the exchange of Happy Thanksgivings on Facebook, there’s been no communication at all.

I don’t have a problem with someone not liking me, so long as I *know* why they don’t like me. What the hell did I do wrong? The worst about it is that it sort of preys on all my insecurities. Was it because I’m black? Was it my teeth? How could something I felt so strongly be nothing at all? And is there anything I can do to correct it? I still think about this guy every day, and can’t seem to get rid of his shadow.

I know I have to, though. If I contact him again I’m just running the risk of embarrassing myself even more. Probably best in this case just to fall back.

And wonder if I’m going to spend my entire life alone.

Does This Work?

Because I am nothing if not persistent, this is the latest ad I’ve posted. What do you think?

32 year old black guy here, fairly new to Boston. 5′7/160, shaved head, brown eyes, glasses. Decent looking but not an Adonis, decent shape (I do go to the gym) but not a hardbody. Pretty much the textbook definition of “regular guy”. Articulate, funny, friendly. Professional guy, a little bit of a smart-ass, a little bit of a nerd. Wide range of interests. Love music, sports (watching and sometimes playing), pop culture. Politically and socially aware enough to have a semi-intelligent conversation with just about anyone.

Looking for other normal guys out there that would at least be interested in starting up a friendship, but would preferably be looking to date. Not looking for anything ridiculously serious, but something with potential would be nice. I’m an easygoing guy who is comfortable with his sexuality but not at all into the gay scene. Would much rather kick back with a couple beers and watch a movie or a game or hang out in a (straight) bar with some friends than throw myself at the mercy of the meat/meet market.

So, what am I looking for? Regular guys, good sense of humor (MUST appreciate or at least be able to identify sarcasm), reasonably intelligent, similar interests. Must be masculine-I have no interest in dating a feminine guy. Not saying you should be Stone Cold Steve Austin, but don’t have pink triangles shooting out of your ass either. White guys are preferred (but I’ll talk to any ethnicity), and please be within 10 years of my age plus or minus (meaning 22-42, I might bend a couple of years in either direction if we click). I’m a straight shooter and you should be too. One thing that pisses me off about “gay culture” is the level of bullshit. Would rather not deal with that when it comes to friends or dates.

If any of this sounds even remotely interesting to you, feel free to drop me a line.

Cheers