So tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day, which is a great day for about half of all people and absolutely shitty for the other half. I try to ignore it as much as possible, which is relatively easy seeing as I’ve never actually been in a relationship during Valentine’s Day. Still, it’s hard to totally block out of your mind, you know? Especially when you want to be part of a couple so bad. Even though I know there’s a chance things might not work out or even that they might end in spectacularly bad fashion, I at least want the chance. The relationships I had came at a time when I was too young to appreciate them, and there’s at least one that I screwed up completely. I want to have that feeling again, only with the maturity I have now. I want to tell someone how my day has been and have them tell me how theirs was. I want that easy laughter about nothing that couples have, the sort of coded language. I want someone to cuddle up with at the end of the day. I want someone to explore Boston with. It’s like all this positive stuff going on in my life doesn’t feel good because I don’t have anyone to really share it with.
In therapy this week, Dr. Burke said that the reason I long for a relationship so badly is because I never had a sense of stability when I was younger. As much as I hate blaming anyone for anything that’s happened in my life-because I’m truly over it-I had to agree with him. What’s the saying? That which we’ve never had is what we seek the most? I just feel like it’s got to happen-and soon. I’m not getting any younger, and I’ve never been more ready in my life.
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